I spend too much time

In the past with my mistakes

The world passing by.　

I am weak

And prone to influence

Push me a little

I’ll fall down too easily

Too eager

To turn my back to light

Cross the wavering line

Into darkness

And relish

In the pain

The blood

The death -

A thousand butterflies,

More!

Why should I care

Be trapped inside

My own flesh

My own control

Won’t be taken away

Don’t play games

I won’t be fooled

A series of pointless reactions and the absence of you leaves me regretting those thoughts, those childish wants, and a sense of amazement and gratitude. As I lead on to dip deeper I yearn to ask how you can put up with me, over-reactive and irrational. As I sit alone I think of the empty bed that awaits me and those thoughts try to overwhelm me, how can I get used to you so quickly, and your absence be so alien? The place where I’ve been alone almost my entire life, my comfort zone and war zone, where once I loathed anyone peering into my corner of life and yet I welcome you with open arms.　

There’s no feeling better than when you’re bruised and sweating, totally physically drained and somehow you’re still standing, breathing hard, your ribs on the verge of breaking (or it seems like it) and eyes watering from the smoke that periodically sweeps the line, trying to catch perhaps a few droplets of water with your tongue　 from the sprinklers to lessen the itch in your throat. That moment when your favourite song has just ended (it had to be one of the ones they play last, typical!) and there’s a ringing in your ears in the euphoric silence immediately after the last note is played as you turn to the person next to you, both speechless, unbelieving. Those moments before reality crushes you back to earth when your life is pretty much complete, you’d happily die right there.

You stripped me of my armour

Down to the core of my soul

Are you happy you know now

To make me guilty and embarrassed

By the actions of others

The thoughts to myself

The shame I would not bear

Cannot bear, even now

Six years on

I still feel inferior, so small

While my head believes them

I’ve kept this in for so long

I am so weak

A child

I stand naked in front of you

No protection from your eyes

All my fears rolling out of rivers of tears

My ugly, self pitiful whore of a shell

I wanted to be a shell

And a shell I became until you

I am learning to feel again

And it’s coming all at once

All the repressed emotions flooding my veins

I’m bursting, it hurts

But I feel so alive and yet

I feel still so alone, so alone

With my demons, watching everyone turn from darkness

But am I imagining this prison?

I don’t ever want to know

It is so real

How can I turn back to the light

If the prison is still there

And I still trapped?

A final ending

To a faithful character:

Falling autumn leaves

Run away

From the danger

Of those suffocating arms

The black sleeves that

Have no body.

Run away

Instincts tell me

Fear that keeps my feet running

Far, far away

To stay alive.

Eyes open

And you’re so far away

This fear won’t reside

All I want is for you to

Hold me close

Until these nightmares go away.

Winner at love, loser of mind.

The monsters inside me

They tease and never tire

To leave me in want

The final touch, my last breath

But they know too well

To take it so far

And I am left

Still here

Wondering

What the hell I should do.

In the corner of my eye

I see him.

That silent, brooding figure

Pacing, heading away

But I cannot turn for a clearer look,

Fear that the illusion would shatter

And I, left alone

As always

Mourning,

But still in denial - 

You can’t really be gone, surely not

You, the reason for

The life inside of me

Growing ever so slowly

The reason for all of this

Continued existence, in peace

For the price of sacrifice

But still there is regret.